There are voices (depression) in my head and they are quite unpleasant. Lies that are rooted from other lies. They continuously plague my mind and refuse to quiet down. Insistent and nagging even. Voices and more voices. They are loud. They’re like weed that’s overgrown in the lawn that is my mind. Repeating the same words and phrases again and again. It’s difficult to breathe, it’s impossible to think. Voices. They are voices. Endless sounds of lies, voices.
- deliberately cruel or violent.
These voices are vicious. They want to attack in the most vicious way possible. It may sting like a bee or tear you apart like a lion. But it’s not physical, it’s internal. The voices bite from the inside as you scream in your mind. They like to attack every single aspect of your worth. Most of all, they’re angry most of the time. The voices, no matter how much you try to calm them down, are angry. They feed off negative thoughts but there is no end. Even negative thoughts become these vicious voices, they join forces.
They’re like murderers holding your most feared weapon. It is angry at the world, your loved ones and mostly you. These voices are beyond unpleasant and would definitely love to see you succumb to its cruelty and for you to dwell in it. It doesn’t care about your rights, it has no moral. Let alone a conscience.
- defeat completely.
- give too much of a thing to (someone); inundate.
- have a strong emotional effect on.
- be too strong for; overpower.
- ((especially of an emotion) very strong.)
1… 2… Count… 3… 4… 5… keep counting… 6… No, stop. It’s too much. The mind is clouded and I don’t know what you are thinking. Regular and everyday tasks that I’ve been doing for years seems foreign and a burden. There are thoughts but they’re too jumbled up to comprehend. So I sit there, my head between hands and count from 1 to 10. Or try to that is. Even counting has proven to be difficult. Sat at work, everything was fine then it hits me like a wave, slamming into my whole being, leaving me disconcerted. It was fine at first, but it’s like the wave is slowly enveloping me. I don’t know anymore if my heart is still beating because I can’t feel it. But then my body seems to be shaking. My hands look still but I feel like I’m shaking. Am I just making this up in my head?
Breathe in… breathe out… but my breathing out is shaky. I lie down, not knowing what to do. I want to cry but the tears won’t come but everything is still so overwhelming it paralyzes me. So I curl up into a ball and shut my eyes, hoping that everything will be fine when I open my eyes. But even when with my eyes closed, it’s too much. You’re not seeing or imagining it, you’re experiencing it. You are overwhelmed by every single thing in your life and it leaves you paralyzed. I keep breathing just in case I forget how to.
- not logical or reasonable.
Nothing makes sense. There is no logic behind what the voices are saying but then, it makes so much sense. Or maybe you do know it’s illogical and irrational but you’re convinced of its lies anyway. It invades every decision, action, opinion, perspective, insight, thought process, memories, everything.
You know, I know, we both know – what is right and yet it seems so wrong. There is only clear confusion. Still, the irrational seems rational. And the rational seems irrational. But which is it, really? You know the voices are lying but why are you still listening to it? But are they?
The voices have no logic. It is like a deranged spider web that has you trapped. It spins every detail to the lie it wants you to believe, sucks you in, but doesn’t devour you. You’re just there on your own trying to process what the voices’ irrational logic. It leaves you struggling as you fight it. And as you grow tired and weary, it leaves you there. It walks away because it knows there is no fight left in you. You are left trapped in the irrational logic of the voices.
- expressing adverse or disapproving comments or judgments.
- (of a situation or problem) having the potential to become disastrous; at a point of crisis.
These voices are critical. They convince you that whatever you do… to just don’t. It tells you that you can do anything right. Nothing you do is right. As soon as you pick yourself up, it beats you down. And when you’re down, it wants you to stay down. Flogging you repeatedly that you are not enough, unworthy, unloved, wrong, disrespected until you believe them.
Believe all those voices. It’s not enough to be criticized, you also should criticize. It is to the point that you yourself become critical towards everything and everyone. The criticisms in your mind become the criticisms that comes out of your mouth. You become the voices that controls your mind. Criticisms built not for exhortation but for condemnation. Not are you just critical, but also judgmental.
The critics, the voices. It wants you to burn bridges and isolate yourself. Isolation makes you more vulnerable and the more vulnerable you are, the easier it is to manipulate you. As you are manipulated, you manipulate. The critical voices have the potential to destroy. It can become the source of destruction and can even enhance your capacity to destroy.
- having or seeming to have no end or limit.
- countless; innumerable.
- (of a belt, chain, or tape) having the ends joined to form a loop allowing continuous action.
It’d be wrong to compare the voices to a roller coaster because it doesn’t go up and down in different courses. Maybe it does, but most of the time it is a loop. An endless and sad loop. It’s more comparable to a Ferris wheel that you’re not allowed to get off. It goes round and round, a slow and repetitive motion. It stops just so that your mind gets stuck there for a moment, either fooling you that you’re okay or allows you stay in that temporary high. And just when you thought it has stopped. Just when you thought you’ve had enough, it continues on.
You keep riding the wheel of these thoughts, up and down, again and again, on repeat in a circular motion. You are stuck there inside your own personal Ferris wheel cab and the sea of voices come rushing at you as you sit there. Overlooking the vast sea of disappointments, heartaches, pain, suffering and just your very own concoction of shadows from the top. Drowning in it in the bottom. A repeated process as your Ferris wheel goes up and down.
- complete absence of sound.
- the fact or state of abstaining from speech.
- the avoidance of mentioning or discussing something.
- the state of standing still and not speaking as a sign of respect for someone deceased or in an opportunity for prayer.
- cause to become silent; prohibit or prevent from speaking.
And then there is silence. The voices are silent. They don’t speak, no words, just silence. They’re all in your head and no one hears them. It traps you in the dark.
The silence is suffocating. Yet, it can attack you like a vicious animal at any time. The silence causes anxiety.
No one sees nor hears you suffering. They can’t comprehend the silence. There’s no point in making it obvious. You/We hide in the silence.
We dare not speak. They won’t believe the disease we have that are these voices. So we remain silent, though we shouldn’t.
It’s like grieving for our selves, our thoughts, our dreams and ambitions as the voices petrify us – making us still, unable to move.
And we are trapped as we succumb to the voices that seems silent because it is all in our minds.
As a victim of these voices (depression)…
I dare not say, “it can’t be helped” anymore whenever a conversation about depression comes up because there is always help available. And those experiencing, going through it, suffering from it (however you’d like to express it) SHOULD get help.
Never will I ever say again, “I don’t need help” because I do need help so I got help. I’ve decided to see a psychotherapist and have gone once. It was just one meeting, yes. But I’ve booked another session. The first step is always the hardest but it’s also the biggest.
I will stop denying the fact that this IS an ILLNESS because I’ve been denying that I have been sick even if I knew that depression IS an illness. Denial for 15-17 years is a very long time. Just because it’s not physically seen, even through a CT or MRI scan, doesn’t mean it’s not an illness. It is like a tumor that slowly eats away at a person.
There are good days and bad days. It’s not something I can control. Sometimes I fight and I win, sometimes I just lie down because it’s too much. So I take it one day at a time because Matthew 6:34 says, ““Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
It’s like I’m sick with the flu on bad days. It’s as if I’m floating due to high fever (though I don’t have a fever) and getting up hurts (even though my muscles are fine).
I’m tired of living this way. It’s time to move on. To move forward. And it’s not just about not hurting those around me/you, it’s also, more importantly about not hurting myself/yourself anymore.
And because I am a victim of these voices (depression)…
I need Jesus Christ. I know and have experienced this – that I could never have gone through this without Jesus Christ. Not trying to be all “Christiany” here. It’s a fact. And I hope you can experience Him too. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” The world and the voices might tell you to disappear but God told you to live, and to live in freedom for Jesus has paid the price for us all, the price of sin, by dying on the cross. (John 3:16) Believing and surrendering your life to Jesus doesn’t mean you will be cured immediately (though miracles are possible), it is a process and a journey, and as you grow closer to Him, He will show you life. That HE IS LIFE and more than life itself.
I’ve realized that there is so much more to life beyond these voices, this illness. So don’t stop fighting, don’t give up. There’s a reason why the tagline of my blog is “Just keep walking”. It’s because we have to keep walking forward no matter what life throws at us. Even when we fall, we have to pick ourselves up, dust off the dirt and continue walking forward. It’s not easy. Definitely difficult. But remember that God’s got you, He is the one holding us up, and we got to keep walking. Just keep walking – towards HIM.
*I’ve been updating monthly until June on the COVID19 situation here in Seoul, South Korea. Click here if you want to check out the blog entry. Will be updating that entry bi-monthly from now on. Thank you for your support and encouraging words about this blog. It is always appreciated.