Life will always be a roller coaster!
The last day of 2019. This year has been a crazy roller coaster. Looking back, I think I say that every end of the year blog post I make. It’s just that there has been so much ups and downs this year. Do you like roller coasters? I don’t. I hate them. It’s not the height. The feeling of falling, that lurch, I hate that so much. But the feeling of falling for me, is the same as the feeling of letting go. That ability to control, to hold on tight, it’s stressful but makes me feel secure.
The beginning of the year, I was holding on tight to so many things. At the end of this year, I have chosen to let go.
Letting go of the old.
Of things not meant for me.
Then allowing myself to heal.
Then came the lessons.
Which resulted to crucifying my unnecessary flesh and pride.
Not all friendships last and not everyone stays, nor are meant to stay.
But treasure those who stay.
I had a dream one time and I rarely remember my dreams. But it was the same dream for 2 days and it got me thinking. The dream was about my room, we moved to a new place and I brought all my furniture with me. Not all my furniture would fit. If I put one in, another had to be thrown out and vice versa. Example, I wanted to put my bike in my room (as I do now) but then my shelves won’t fit. Or if I put my big closet in, then my table won’t fit. I was stuck in a dilemma.
The dream, it bothered me.
And it meant;
I had to let go of people. Or the fact that I don’t need to be close to every single person that comes my way. The focus should be on those whom God has directed my way, and me their way. Even though I tell people that people scare me (they/you really do), I love them. So much. And this is why I am scared. Does this make sense? Yeah, I know it does.
People came, people left, people will continue to leave, and new people will come. And even then, some stay and some leave. But I’ve learned that I should treasure those who’ve chosen to stay in my life despite the distance.
There is always something to be grateful for and that only comes when you choose joy.
The past needs to heal. God was healing a pain I thought I was done with a year ago. He was healing my grudges and bitterness that I didn’t know even existed. It was necessary for those things to be ridden of because it hinders us from being closer to God. And despite it all, we must choose joy. There are little things in life that we can always be grateful for.
I am still and always learning about choosing joy and positivity. This year I also realized that I’ve grown out of my dark side (sort of) and have become brighter. It was a revelation when someone called me 긍정왕 (king/queen of positivity) when I was the exact opposite a year and a half ago. However, there is still so much work that needs to be done. God is re-arranging the clutter of my heart, mind and soul. So grateful for Him. So so much.
There is no end to discovering who you are.
This isn’t simply talking about our identity, but also about our preferences, lifestyle choices, and such that you have never noticed or didn’t know. Both flaws and good things. I always though I knew myself well. Until last year, that is. Last year, I forgot who I was. This year, I am rediscovering who I am. And it is so much fun. Looking forward to surprising myself more next year.
To move forward, we have to let go.
Looking back in your life is not a bad thing but being stuck there is. A week ago, I asked the Lord of the things I needed to let go because I felt led to ask. He told me to let go of several things…
of what others think of me – both good and bad.
the fear of judgement.
of expectations of myself, as well as of other people.
Remember the feeling of falling that I hate so much? My stomach lurched.
Goals and desires are there as a guide and aren’t necessarily bad.
At some point of my life, I stopped setting up goals because either they were too unrealistic, and I didn’t want to continuously feel disappointed in myself as if I’ve failed. I’d chase after those goals too insistently and when I’ve finally achieved them, yes, there is temporary satisfaction. And since I would chase them with the wrong motives, I’d feel empty.
As forgetful as I am, I forgot that God wants to give us good things and even the desire of our hearts.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?
(Matthew 7:7-10 ESV)
I was running away from the inevitable disappointment. Disappointment is part of life but I didn’t want it. So stupid but so human. So next year I’ve listed down some goals and desires. And when disappointments come, I’ll have to face them, but I won’t be alone.
Believing in yourself and being prideful are two different things.
Something that I struggle more than humility is believing in myself. And by not believing in myself and the God-given gifts I have, it has prevented me from doing and even accomplishing things. I want no more of that. This makes me so uncomfortable but where is growth in comfort? To have the confidence in what I do and the decisions that I make, but at the same time accepting the times when I am wrong and acknowledging my mistakes – so uncomfortable, yet so right.
And to be able to accomplish this “goal” (*smirk), I’d have to crucify my flesh daily. My pride and my shame that stops me from being the gentle, caring and loving person God has created me should be crucified every day. And when I do accomplish things, may they be glorifying to God.
So, that’s me. What are the things you’ve decided to leave behind in 2019? What are the good things that you plan on bringing to 2020?
Are you looking back now? Don’t forget to look forward.
In 2020, no matter what season we are going to be in, no matter where God places us, let’s keep walking. 😉
Follow my Instagram account if you haven’t yet. Planning to post more content in 2020!! 🙂
Here are is my looking back to 2018, looking forward to 2020 post.
And if I were to choose a favorite post for 2019, it would be my most recent one: Becoming Jaded.