Becoming jaded was something that was at the back of my mind. When you give your life to Christ and become Christian or maybe you just renewed your commitment to God, your heart is on fire for Him. And when you hear people pray or share about the jadedness of their heart, you may tell yourself, “I am never going to end up like those people. Certainly going to do my best not to!!”
This whole thing started more than a month ago.
I stopped being hungry.
But I didn’t know I was becoming jaded.
“Being a Christian for a long time is difficult. To continue to long for God and hunger for Him is not easy.” Or something like that, my discipler said.
I agreed. But I guess I wasn’t agreeing wholly.
Over a month ago, my heart was in a guarded state. As I was praying, God showed me this illustration of my broken heart. A small soft and fragile glowing red ball that was covered in cement. A hammer was beside it, then a hand came and wanted to strike it so that the outer covering would break. At that moment, I opened my eyes and felt my heart hurt. My heart was on defense mode and refused the hammer’s strike.
Though I thought I was dealing with it, it continued on.
Our church retreat came and my heart’s condition was showing through how I was treating other people. Especially how I was speaking. So angry.
Even as I worshiped, my pride refused to submit to God. And I knew that my pride has been way up there for a long time. Guys, we gotta keep pushing. Jacob wrestled hard, he refused to let go of that angel. And guys, I am no Jacob but I still submitted. Gotta crucify that flesh daily right?
Then I guess at some point, I gave up wrestling.
Becoming more jaded.
I was talking with one of my life group members yesterday about someone being saved and as I listened to her, I questioned myself, “Am I really saved?” Recalling that moment 13 years ago when I was on the ground on my knees and crying my heart out, being so much aware of my sins, my brokenness and inadequacy… did I really accept Christ as my Savior?
But my heart has become that of a stone, so numb and incapable of feeling anything. (Is this what becoming jaded was like?) What do I look forward to? Is there anything in my everyday life that I anticipate and look forward to? Where is the joy in my heart?
Then a question arose during dinner with some of my church girlfriends, “What are you thankful for today? Just today.” Four people shared before me and as I was listening to them share, their answers were simple yet special. Then it was my turn, the moment I dreaded, “So, what are you thankful for today, Ji?”
They all just looked at me with questioning looks, so I said it again, “Nothing.” And the words of reactions came, “Really?”; “Not even one?”; “You’re not thankful for anything?”
“No. And this is why I didn’t want to share this answer as I was thinking because I knew I would get this reaction.”
Then the tears came. I haven’t cried about my brokenness for a while. Nope. Been keeping it in there for a while. Couldn’t keep it in any longer.
Moment of silence.
My discipler was there and she asked, “If you’re not thankful, what did you write on the thanksgiving card?”
(Long story short, we had a special prayer meeting that night and one of the activities was writing a letter to God and expressing our thanksgiving.)
“That was the hardest bit. It’s just writing. Just going through the motions.”
She again asked something, which I answered, “I just know there are many things I should be grateful for, I just don’t feel thankful at all.”
To which she said, “You know it in your mind. It’s the lack of connection to it in your heart.”
Exactly. Being born as a feeler, not feeling anything has either always been weird to me or a sign that I am emotionally unhealthy. But most of the time and for a long time, it was (still is) my coping mechanism. To avoid pain and rejection, everyone needs a coping mechanism right? Some might laugh about it (the Joker), some might just avoid it altogether. Me, I just stop feeling.
But no. The incapability to feel for weeks was not just a defense mechanism but also just me, just feeling, “meh”.
Just being “jaded”.
The next morning (today), I had an unexpected message from someone. The message was long but it only took the first line to make me cry. “Do you find God beautiful?”
The rest of the message made me cry even harder.
(Don’t worry, I cried in one of the restroom cubicles.)
Why I cried… still trying to figure that part out.
Then a close brother of mine messaged me (who usually doesn’t) and mentioned today’s Utmost for His Highest devotional. I read it, then I read it again. Finally, I understood it the third time I read it but it didn’t sink it totally.
Then the question rose again, “Am I really saved?”
Yes. I was saved 13 years ago.
(^Do read that Bible passage.)
But this doesn’t mean that I don’t need saving every single moment I breathe. I need it so bad. There needs to be that hunger and thirst for more of God’s Love. That awareness of my sins and brokenness that will always lead me to the awareness of Christ in my life.
That longing to be in His Presence every moment of my life.
And I hate myself for being jaded.
HATE. IT. SO. MUCH.
Jesus died for me, for my brokenness to make me whole. He died because I am a sinner and I am unworthy but Jesus says otherwise. When He saw me, as He was dying on the cross, the joy that was set before Him (Hebrews 12:2) was all worth it. Nothing is because of what I do nor did nor will do. Rather, I am significant because God says so, because Jesus believed so. This should be the most important truth about myself. That I am saved by the blood of Jesus Christ. And it’s about time I truly believed in the cause of His actions.
Therefore I, even in this state, still, keep walkin’.