Goodbyes are “fairly” difficult.
(Let it Go by James Bay playing in the background)
Goodbye is a word that I find quite difficult to face. More so these days since when I was younger, I always believed in “goodbye” as being equal to “see you later.” However, c’est la vie, and later on we all realize that that is not the case. Goodbyes can mean goodbye, forever, for life, never see each other again. There were a few moments this year where I had to say goodbye to a few people and I almost chocked on the words. It’s like the demons being unable to say “God.”
When we start to say too many goodbyes (voluntarily or not), that is when our hearts begin to harden.
(Too Good At Goodbyes by Sam Smith playing in the background)
What is it with goodbyes that it allows us to withdraw from the world? Is it the emptiness or the loneliness we feel when a person leaves or when we leave? Is it the routine of meeting people, engaging in an intimate relationship with them then later on watch them leave that tires our hearts? Does it tire our hearts to the point of just giving up on people in general? I feel these somewhat negative thoughts can pollute our minds and make us believe that we are alone in the world, thus the feeling of loneliness. And loneliness is quite unhealthy to our minds, most especially our hearts.
What were the reasons for those ‘goodbyes’ in the first place?
(Unsteady by X Ambassadors playing in the background)
As I was writing, I was also pondering on the reasons why we say goodbyes. Moving to a different place or school is one. Or if someone passed away, we say goodbye as well. Did we have to say goodbye because of pride or pain? For example, we get into a fight, argument, misunderstanding and it gets out of hand to the point we have to say goodbye to that relationship. Was it worth it? Or was it a pride/spur of the moment thing? Was it more important than the person or relationship?
Or at times, goodbye comes naturally as we gradually fade away. Lost contact with people.
I hate being the one “left behind.” Selfish, I know.
(Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur playing in the background)
Over the years, I realized that it is more difficult if you are the one left behind than being the one to leave. I’ve thought about it. A lot. Too much for my own good. I seriously have decided to stop.
When I left my 2nd home, I missed the people I “left behind” but since I was the one who left, it felt more like an action of moving on. It was the same with my past relationships. It was my decision. However, when I’m the one left behind, it is a whole new story. I’ve had friends leave the country and I am still here, I feel stuck – as if I am getting nowhere (which isn’t true). The ones “left behind” are the ones who have to deal with every single memory that pops up when we go and see a certain place, smell something familiar, eat a particular food and everything else that reminds us of those who left us. Though maybe, those who left yearn for that familiarity.
What is this? Is it grief? Whatever.
(To Be Human by Sia feat. Labrinth playing in the background)
It is more than the feeling of being “unwanted” or being “left behind.” An emotion of grief – of what was and might/will no longer be, a loss. A change we have to forcefully accept and carry that feeling of running forward towards moving on while staying in place. Grieving for the past, a loss, grief overtakes us.
I believe however grief is a step forward towards acceptance, it is better than being stuck in denial. Though some of us, (like me) are used to moving on by rushing and running. But at times, it is easy to walk slowly through it. Running really fast (in your standard) can make everything around us look like a blur and leaves us panting when we stop. Walking on the other hand allows us to admire the view and the slow changes happening around us. Looking back at these moments can be very different too. If we ran, we’re like, “WHAT HAPPENED!?” But if we walked, “Aah, that was quite pleasant towards the end.”
BUT! STILL! SO! HARD! GOODBYES! GRIEF! Oh well…
If we are strong enough to say ‘goodbyes’, I’m sure we can be brave enough to face ‘hello’s’.
(High Hopes by Kodaline playing in the background)
Not all goodbyes are bad though and some of them are necessary to bring change into our lives. We have to let go of things or even people that are unhealthy for us and do us no good. It might seem selfish and sound like we’re running away but we have to remind ourselves that we ourselves are quite important and precious. We have to take care and guard our hearts from toxicity. It is, I learned, of big importance and can pose a big significance to the rest of life we will be facing.
However, it is common for humans that even when we know we should say goodbye, that start of actually saying the word, taking a step to turn around and bid farewell is the hardest thing. The beginning is always the most difficult. Thus, if you are strong enough to say ‘goodbye,’ I am sure you are brave enough to say ‘hello’ once more.
Life will be constantly full of ‘hellos’ and ‘goodbyes’ and ‘see you laters.’ We say ‘goodbye’ many times in our lives, but we have to remind ourselves that we say more ‘hellos’ than ‘goodbyes.’
But as always, we gotta keep walking. So don’t give up and keep walking! 😉