I want this to be a blog post as honest as possible.
(Photos from my private Instagram account.)
A few days ago I posted in one of my very private Instagram accounts (not so private anymore after this blog post) about vulnerability:
“As I was talking to one of my highschool-mates, she suggested an idea that would leave me vulnerable. Vulnerable in a way that will show everyone what I have been feeling and allowing others in as well. I never had a problem with filtering what I wanted to show and not show, but this was a different story.
Thus, I have found a new kind of respect for published poets. It takes more courage to show the public how you truly feel and allow yourself to be vulnerable and let strangers into your deepest emotions.
As I continue to write this post, I am left contemplating if I am truly ready to show the stories of my heart and be brave enough to face judgement.
Maybe then, one day, I will make this account public once more.”
I never thought I had issues with vulnerability, no. It was always comfortable telling other people what I had gone through and at times it helped others to realize that they aren’t alone in their certain struggles, that it is okay. And other (better) times, God used my stories to witness to others. Putting myself in vulnerable positions were always okay, never a problem, even if there were problems, it was not big of a deal for me. Or so I thought.
“When did it start?”
Looking back, the first time I obviously felt or realized that vulnerability has started to scare me was when I thought of topics for this blog. I wanted to write more on the “Life & Emotions” section but was scared to show too much of my personal life to the public. Was I afraid of being judged? Of course I was, I still do though not as much.
That scary realization became truer and more obvious after I had my heart broken.
(Too Good at Goodbyes by Sam Smith playing in the background.)
It started when I slowly got used to people leaving. People come and people will go. It’s worse when you meet foreign friends because you know at some point they are going to leave the country, go back to where they came from or move on to somewhere else, find new people to hang out with and most of the time, leave you behind in Korea.
“Because it’s easier when you’re the one leaving and not the one being left behind.”
(Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur playing in the background)
And that most probably caused me to close more doors, spend more time alone and be satisfied with just shallow talk. (And I hate small/shallow talk.) Yes, it is important to build relationships and build a community or even belong to one. But human as we are, it’s quite difficult to face abandonment or sustain long distance friendships. Hopefully, my decision to take baby steps out once again to the world, talk and approach people first and build deeper relationships will continue. I’ve been living in a hermit hole for a few years.
“These past few weeks, I have been more afraid of telling others what’s on my mind.”
The idea of my thoughts being put down or considered very little of, being underestimated and others thinking that what I have gone through is nothing compared to what they have gone through. Those things surprisingly hurt me more than cruel words. Is it just stuff going on inside my head? No, not really. I’ve met a few people. It is humbling to hear and listen to other people’s stories and it reminds me that there are way stronger people out there in the world.
As a person who has pride in what I have gone through, it hurts to be underestimated because it didn’t match up to their standards. And even as I write this, I am scared. Some people have been gracious to have listened and give me insights of my thoughts rather than putting them down. And the realization over the years that some people are fake in front of you, pretend to care, understand and listen, as well as laugh at your ideas have made me close my heart. But I’ve decided to move on from those things, I mean… I can’t do anything about what they think of me.
(You Are The Reason by Calum Scott playing in the background)
“Do not do something that you aren’t comfortable with.”
Well you see, there was a time in my life that I will never allow myself to stay within the comfort zone. If people wanted to stay in their comfort zones, then it was fine by me, I mean it is their own choice. However, I didn’t want to. There were no challenges and it never made me a better person or built me up, made me stronger, whatever you want to use as a reason. After entering college, I wanted to be occupied and busy and live life as much as possible.
It was not until I actually graduated with a degree, found a job, moved around different jobs, found that one job to stay, years passed and life became comfortable and I decided subconsciously to be lazy and passive. So now I know, if I just don’t do it, I will never do it. Ever. I kept making excuses for everything. Why I shouldn’t travel, learn something new, get a new job, etc. It took me 4 long years to finally decide to open this blog. I was stalling myself.
“I think one the biggest things that stop us from doing things or
getting what we want in life are ourselves.”
(There For You by Martin Garrix & Troye Sivan playing in the background)
“The issues of being accepted by other human beings will always remain an issue.”
(Even When It Hurts (Praise Song) Live by Hillsong UNITED playing in the background.)
Talking with other people, showing myself, allowing others inside my deepest and darkest as well as the brightest and weirdest side of me… will I ever be able to do those things again? Will they accept me for who I am? Can I really truly be myself in front of them? Will I be abandoned? Will I be accepted? These thoughts run through my mind when I start getting to know people more. However, the past experiences wherein I show myself to others yet them not doing the same to me or not accepting me has for sure left me closed off to a certain extent.
Oh, I know for sure that not everyone will accept me. And as being a Christian and knowing that my identity and value lies in Christ and nothing else, I guess it was easier to move on from this issue as I renewed my faith last year. But it doesn’t mean that the struggle isn’t present anymore. It is still there and it will always be there, it’s just I have to keep facing God and nothing, no one else.
Quote by my beautiful friend, Nicole.
“Putting aside your emotions, because…”
Because for whatever reason I do this, not only me, if you do this – it becomes too much. I’ve put aside my pains and emotions because I became too tired. Too tired of dealing with it, telling people how I feel, felt sorry that they had to listen to me all the time and especially too tired of just feeling emotions all in all. These days I have been putting aside my emotions mostly because I had to put other things a priority. There has been no time or space for me to look back and sort out these emotions. I still don’t get it. I can’t comprehend. So putting these emotions aside, can turn your heart to stone. It will slowly harden until you’re content with being numb because it’s easier to deal with.
“And one day, not someday because I know it will happen. One day…”
(Even When It Hurts (Praise Song) Live by Hillsong UNITED playing in the background.) (Yes, it has been on repeat ever since.)
One day I will be as brave as those published poets and let others inside my own little mind and heart. And on that day I will open up more to others. Maybe not entirely but what can be used for His glory. One day, it won’t be so hard to face and talk to other people anymore. It will not be as hard as recalling those painful words and it will never be as painful as replaying the abandoned moments.
One day I will be strong enough to get back on my feet and allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others because…
(Please do follow my jiournalgraphy Instagram account though, it might be private but I am slowly opening it up to the public of PR purposes. Thanks!)
Keep walking! 🙂